With Halloween upon us and the resurgence of Michael Myers in Halloween Kills, my mind started to wander. Who is the Michael Myers of the NFL? Not in the murderous serial killer way but in the unstoppable, slow methodical efficient destruction of everything in his path sort of way. After much thought it dawned on me. There NFL is chalk full of these dudes. So naturally the logical thing was to cast them…. ALL! Here are your Halloween Boogiemen and Monsters along with their NFL Counterparts.
Derrick Henry as Michael Myers
Big bruising force that just keeps getting up and grinding. You know he is good for 120 yards and a TD every game. Everyone and every team says they have a plan to stop him but at the end of every game, there Henry is with another 100 yard game and a score. Just when you think he is down, BOOM he is up again. He just becomes stronger as the story builds. In an era of fragile running backs he is a tank and a supernatural force.
Tyreek Hill as Ghostface
Speed and quickness are skills that can’t be taught. Shot out of a cannon, Hill is a fish out of water. Actually a shark out of water may be a more accurate description. Elusive and seemingly everywhere Hill is still the NFL’s most unique offensive weapon. Find me another offensive weapon in this league that can slice and dice his way down the field with the effectiveness of Hill. At times it appears as if there may be multiple Hills on the field at once. Sound familiar?
Tom Brady as Dracula
He is immortal correct? I mean Tom Brady as spent more time in the NFL than 20% of humans have on this planet. He is 44 going on 34. He looks younger than half the QBs in the League. The only explanation I have is that Tom Cruise or Brad Pitt bit him at a party that Brady was attending with Giselle. If he slept in a coffin it would not surprise me in the slightest. Or maybe a hyperbaric chamber. Either way he appears to forever young and forever great.
Patrick Mahomes as Freddy Krueger
This guy is a thing of nightmares for defenses and defensive coordinators alike. He is the one QB that you can repeatedly do everything right and it still doesn’t matter. His defense is one of the worst in the entire league and he just continues to elevate his play at every turn. He has made Travis Kelce a HOFer and is working on a few others. No matter how bad the movie or script Freddy is always great. Did I say Freddy? I meant Patrick.
Aaron Rodgers as Jigsaw
You wanna play a game? Aaron Rodgers is as methodical and meticulous as they come. Mistakes are almost non-existent. He is in control of every situation. Late here in his career he has a new lease on life. The minute the Packers drafted his heir apparent Rodgers reevaluated everything and just elevated his effort and competitiveness. What trap does he have in store for us next? At this point any doubt you may have when it comes to his resourcefulness is foolhardy.
Aaron Donald as Jason Voorhees
How do you stop him? I mean that. How? Because as a defensive force no one in this league has been better at their position that Donald. Maybe ever. Chains, fire and even outer space couldn’t stop Jason. Kane Hodder has played Jason the most, having donned the mask four times. Donald has won three Defensive Player of the Year Awards. So its just a matter of time and inevitable before Donald pushes whatever rubble an offensive line throws at him off, and continues terrorizing QBs like a group of teenagers at Crystal Lake Cabin.
We hope you have enjoyed Part I of NFL Boogieman and Monsters. Every horror movie has sequels so this Halloween we will unveil six more NFL Boogiemen!